Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Breaking up.......

Why is breaking up so hard to do. Why are we able to recognize that someone is not good for you at all, in any way, but still cant let them go. Is it because we get so comfortable with that persons presence as it relates to our existence that we cant fathom life without them. Is it because we are such sexual beings that the idea of not having a regular source sometimes gets a little scary. Is it because we loose ourselves in people sometimes in an attempt at making them happy. Who knows, could be none or all of those things as far as we know. This is what is plaquing about life, the questions that never get answered. The questions that are many sided depending on the noun. Sometimes as human beings we loose sight of whats best for us trying to please other people. Again, as I have stated before, once you realize you have been doing this, the selfish person is born. When we become that person it becomes very difficult to let another human being in. Going back to the original question, this may be yet another explanation of why we choose to stay with people we know are not good for us. But every dog has it's day(as my madea would say), and when that day comes, low and behold(again, as my madea would say). You see, relationships are tricky, and you have to learn how to do it. Believe it or not it's not something that instinctively we know how to do as humans. It all starts with the desire to have one. If you dont have a real desire to be in a relationship then chances are yo wont be good if you get into one. Once you have the desire then you work on finding someone, or work on yourself so that they find you. When you have found each other, the mature thing to do would be to discuss what your relationship needs are. Now, this one is hard, becuase we are constantly evolving people, therefore the needs that we may have had in a former relationship may not be the same for a new or present one. Many times we find these things out as we engage in each others lives. So, having said that, if your enhanced enough to know that about yourself then thats great and you should put that on the table. That way you both will be on somewhat of the same page and there should be minimal surprises. The idea is to figure out if you will be able to give this person what they need, and if it's something that your not use to, you have the ability to make the decision on wether or not you want to try to. Again, this is to eliminate friction and surprises before they come. Now the only way that works is when you both have the same understanding.

Now dont get me wrong, I am aware of the person who will say that they are able to do these things, or they will try, knowing full well the entitre time that they really dont want to or maybe even cant. That person is probably already well into being that selfish person, a noncomformist sort of. This person is not willing to compromise any part of themself due to the fear of losing their independance. Any level headed human being would know that thats insane. No relationship can exist without compromise on some level. Thinking and speaking logically, if you place to objects together with their own identities and characteristics, somethings may possibly clash, or they may not agree on everything. Apples and oranges, cats and dogs, sometimes dogs and dogs, sometimes apples and apples. "Hey I'm a red delicious apple, I believe life is sweet and should be lived on a nice table in a bowl for all to view. Well I'm a granny smith, and I'm bitter and like to be cold, and sometimes wrapped in taffy". Ok silly analogy but I think you get my point. The point is that if Granny Smith and Red Delicious wants to be together then maybe they could consider living in a bowl on the table during the day, and living insed the same bowl but in a refridgerator at night. COMPROMISE, not comforming. Conforming would be granny smith just disregarding her feelings and living on the table. Thats what happens alot in relationships, instead of compromising people end up comforming thinking that they are compromising on some level. Guess what, if your needs are not met on any level, you have conformed. Now if your ok with that, cool, but most people aren't. Most people get to a point when they realize that thats what they were doing. That normally signals the beginning of the end. So what do you do after you find out you have been conforming for a person trying to please them after being with them for two years, and suddenly noticing and facing how unhappy you've actually been the entire time. Chances are that the other person, the "noncomformist" will have very little sympatthy and make matters even worse than what they are. That they will not be able to provide the level of love and support and understanding that you would ultimately need to continue in the relationship. They will not be able to provide the necessary platform for you to discuss how you feel and assist in coming up with a plan or solution. So what do you do.

Well, it probably seems like you should run as far as you can from this person, they sound pretty awful actually, right? But how, how do you do that.

Now you may be wondering what the hell am I talking about. Well obviously I'm referring to my before mentioned boyfriend. I have realized that I have not been compromising in this relationship, I have been conforming. Compromise takes two people making a mutual decsion, and as previously discussed, conforming is an act from one person attempting to please the other. Of course this must stop. I have realized this, and it;s not going to happen anymore. On the other hand, I still want the relationship. Could it be due to any number of te reasons I mentioned earlier, perhaps.... One will never know maybe. But thats where I am, I sitll want to be with this ass. The difference this time is that I will only reconvene the relationship if that platform is set and we can discuss everything maturely put our needs and desires on the table, and decides tow years into the relationship wether we can give each other those things. I also am normally the person; due to my obvious conformist nature; that will try to fix everything. Not this time, I'm just waiting to see if he comes to me. What this means however is that because of everything that I have stated in this post, I have to be prepared for that never happening, which means I need to work on getting over him and this relationship. In a perfect world he wont wait until it's too late, but chances are; again due to his noncomformist nature; that it will be too late if and when he tries to lay that platform.

Dilemas, cant live with them, cant live without them. I'm pretty sure that the next post you read will be about us finally going our seperate ways. But he may surprise us. Dont worry, my eyes are open now though, I can see clearly.

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

I Need Feedback on this one.......

So, as it goes, I have not been here for a while, and I'm starting to realize that I only write when I'm upset about something. So, I apologize for that if there is anyone that actually reads this, but thats just how it is. Can anyone guess what this post will be about............ if you guessed my boyfriend, then you win a new CAR!!!!!!!! No but seriously, your right.

Now since the last time I wrote here I had come to terms with my bad qualities. And I am still aware of them, but not free of them. Anyone with sense would know that that is an ongoing process. Now, knowing that it is an ongoing process, I have slipped into remission with it again. You see, I have this boyfriend, whom I love dearly, and trust him as well, but I have been forced to question this trust recently. My boyfriend went on a trip this past weekend to Houston, TX for their annual SPLASH, which is a really big black gay pride event, and while he was gone, he left me his vehicle. I was happy and appreciative of him leaving me his vehicle. But of course being a human being there was a small part of me that didn't want him to go. So, that being said, I put my personal feelings aside and decided to trust my boyfriend, and thats what I was doing. But then one day, actually the last day of him being there, the day he was to return, I get a text message from him that morning saying "that shit was good". HMMMMM!!!!! I thought, but I didn't immediately think the worst, but to put my mind at ease, I called him and asked what was up with the text he sent me, he says "what text", to which I say, you didn't send me a text, to which he says, "no". HMMMMMM!!!!!! "What did itt say?" he questions. "It said that shit was good". THen he's like you know some people have been using my phone, someone must have sent that text message. Now let me explain this properly, the text literally said "that shit was good"..... thats it! Nothing else, no name, no other words, plain text....that shit was good". Now in my mind I'm thinking that if someone else was using your phone to send a text to someone, they would probably have atleast identified who they were by adding their name to the text.......right?? There was no name. So I got a little upset about the text because I started to think that the explanation of someone oelse using your phone was some bullshit.

So he arrives in the city, I say to myself the whole time that I'm not going to let this bother me, it's not that serious, let it go. But I cant. So when he gets here, I'm very unenthusiastic about his arrival, not excited, more curious about what had happened that was so good. As it turns out he isn't that enthusiastic either,HMMMMMMMM!!!!!! At this point I'm like, oh, whats up with him? So we get home, minimal conversation, and then he goes to lay down. I follow to bed not too much longer. Then we become intimate, but I'm not really into it at first. THen I get into it because I haven't been with my man in like 5 days, I did miss him greatly, but I couldn't stop thinking about his text. So, we end up making love, then we go to bed. I wake up at about 6am, and my curiousity gets the best of me. So I looked in his phone to see what was up with that text because in theory, if someone sent a text like that, it would have been in response to a text recieved, espeically if the person that was allegedly using your phone didn't need to add their name. So I look in his phone text's and to my surprise, I find nothing regarding that shit being good, so I didn't find out what that shit was, or who it was regarding. What i did find was a nother text from the previous week with someone telling him that they needed some of him, and that they were free all day. Well of course I was pissed when I saw this. And I know it was wrong to go into his cell phone, but I couldn't help myself, I had to give myself some peace of mind about that text. Well, I saw more than I needed to with that. Now as a result of me going in his phone he is pissed with me, but I feel like you shouldn;t be pissed if you weren't on some shit. You are upset because you have been busted. His comments ranged from, I'm not attractd to this guy, to he's a masseuse, to we may have flirted with each other. OKAY!!!!! Then the cell phone explanation was at first, someone else must have been using my phone, to they were trying to learn how to text. BULLSHIT!!!!! But ok, I'm supposed to just accept these bullshit explanantions. I should just believe you, even though I know its some bullshit. Maybe nothing did happen in any of these cases, but clearly something did to get you all defensive about it right.

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

The Good, Bad, and Ugly of Life

You know it's funny, because As you go through life you hit various peaks of the above three entities, but it always seems as though the good takes a back seat to bad and ugly. Why is life deisigned to teach us through the hardships and difficulties we encounter. The bad part about that is that if we dont learn what we are supposed to learn then we will continue to experience those negatives turn positives. But what about that situtation when you are just going through some plane old fucked up shit... I mean different shit, but just as fucked up as some shit you dealt with yesterday, or last week, or last month. Don't you ever just sit back and think "damn, what did I do?? Why am I being punished?" Well, many people will say that your not being punished, but what about carma? How does one explain carma, bad carma, good carma? Is any of it real. I can honestly admit to my flaws right now at present day, and yesteryear that carma may want to throw back in my face. Wanna hear it, hear it goes:

-I am an asshole by nature, in my past I have been known to be a mean person, currently, I am nice with a mean streak.
- I am controlling, like most human beings, I want things to go my way.
- A little self indulged at times, probably more than I should be.
- Have a tendancy to think I'm more knowledgeable about certain things, and maybe a bit closed minded to other peoples opinions or ideas......but that one is a very rare circumstance!!
- Sometimes confidence crosses over to's truly an accident, but one that can be controlled nonetheless.
-way to emotional to be a man. This is a result of getting a divorce, and accepting my sexuality. There were so many emotions going on in me I had to deal with them one by one. Now, I'm not like the average guy, which makes me sometimes act like a bitch in my relationship and I really hate that.
- I totally wear my feelings on my sleeve, no matter what it is, everyone knows how I feel.

Ok, I have to stop here because I all of a sudden felt like I was totally bashing myself. I wrote all that to say that, I have issues. Also to point out that due to the multple issues that I have, I am sure that I have done some wrongdoings in my day. So going back to my original question, Am I being punished for something I did wrong in 1992? Or am I still inflicting harm on someone, or many that I am unaware of. I basically want to know why things aren't great in my life. Now dont get me wrong, everyday I wake up I am blessed, blessed to open my eyes, blessed to take that first breath every morning, blessed to be able to get out of the bed, and think about what to wear. Blessed to have a job, blessed to have so many things, and so much health, and a healthy child. But I am still only man, and I wonder and yearn for better everything. I wish I could be content with the way that things are, but I guess it definitely was not a content man that profited from the invention of Microsoft, or a content women that was born in Mississippi, and greww to become our first black female billionaire. So maybe it's ok that I'm not content. Well, there in lies the confusion for me, how do you go about being ok with where you are, content? Simultaneously trying to become better each and everyday of your life. Somehow we have to fgure out a way to not get frustrated in the interim of being rejected, and discriminated against, and pre-judged, and lied to, and disrespected, and belittled. I mean, the ugly side of the world to me is when you cant get a job because you couldn't afford to finish school or something, but your just as qualified for a position as this college degreed individual.

Lets talk about College Degrees. First of all, I advocate school. I think that if you can afford to go to school(college) wothout taking out a student should go for it. If you need to take out a loan, you should wait, and think about what exactly you want to invest in, so you can make it work for you. But what does having a college degree really say about a person and their ability to do a job? I dont think it says shit about that person as a "good candidate" for any position. Now, dont get all crazy, you know I'm not talking about Nuerosurgeons, or any other type of doctor. I mean there are some jobs out there where you do need to have learned the skill that you only would have learned if you attended college, graduate, and some post graduate schooling to do. There are many jobs though, that nowadays are asking for college degrees, but is someything that 20-30yrs ago was probably being done by someone that was trained on how to do it, and never had a degree, and probably only went up to the 6th or 7th grade. Probably got their GED while they were working on that Job. I mean I just dont understand people. Just because this man has a degree, and I dont, that means that you cant even consider me for the position, even though I am totally qualified based on my work experience. The only thing you know about a person with a college degree is that; and this is still a maybe; they had the discipline to stick with school, or the drive to continue their education. But thats not always true. There are people who couldn't afford to go to college, or who went and had to stop for personal reasons, or financial reasons. Or maybe this poor boy just couldn't leave his family, and still is taking care of them, and just didn;t have the time, because he cant get one good decent job, so he has 3 shitty jobs that collectively pay him enough to make ends meet for his family. I know that was harsh, but the wolrd we live in is heartless, and it is designed to try to beat you, unless you are wealthy. But again, advocate education. I just wish that employers and others were not so quick to assume that a person with a college degree, but no or poor work history, is better qualified than a person who has an excellent resume and references.

I am going through so much shit right now, because even though I have gone in and out and in and out of wanting to be in this relationship, I truly want to be in this relationship. My boyfriend and I have a good relationship, with a few bad things in it. The first thing is that, I'm 29, he's 40, but this really means nothing. The next thing is that, I'm not nor have I ever been a person who enjoys cleaning and shit like that, neither is he, but he will do what needs to be done, and even look for things that need to be done. As I have previously stated, I am emotional these days, I have this desire to communicate when something goes wrong, he does not do well with communicating. That is really all thats wrong with our relationship. May be a lot to some, not that much to me. To top thse things off though, as stated before, we work, live, and play together. So anytime one of the above problems may come up, it's intensified becausof the constant togetherness we have. So now, I think it's coming to a close, we had a really big arguement, after the one I wrote about in the last post, and it was almost the deal breaker. We managed to work through it but maybe only temporarily. Today he wantes to take me to dinner, and have a "frank" conversation with me. What the hell does that mean? A "frank" conversation?? I had already cracked a joke saying that I have either done something good, or he is going to break up with me before I knew about this "frank" thing. I have this problem where I totally over think stuff all the time. Just thinking, and thinking, and rethinking shit until I have driven myself crazy and have millions of butterflies in my stomach. Which is how I feel right now. Well, if it's over, then it's over, I really have a feeling that thats what this is going to be about. We have probably just come to a ligitmate end to the relationship. I've heard about this before, so maybe this is it for me. The problem is that I reall love him, and I have expressed to him that I am willing to do what it takes to keep my relationship with him. I mean, not make an ass out of myself of course, but make sure that I give it everything that I can give to it. So this is making me feel ugly, I mean, just this morning he told me he loved me, does he really mean that when he says it to me. I'm typing, and realizing that he just did the same thing I have asked him not to do, which is approach me with a serious sounding sentiment, but way before it will be discussed.........UUUUUGHGHGUGUGHGU!!!!!!

I'm going to stop typing now, I have made myself need a cigarette. This obviously will be continued.......

Friday, March 11, 2005

You Think You Know, But You Know Nothing

When do you say enough is enough. I mean with everything. I dont advocate what Mr. Ross did to the Lefkow family, however, I totally get his rationale behind it. Every human being gets to a point when enough is enough. For most of us, we tend to deal with it in a more productive, less homicidal/suicidal way, but we've all been there. My question is, when do you know at that fine line between having it all together and completely loosing it? I guess it's a different scenario with everyone. I believe I am at my end with quite a few things.

I am in a relationship, that I have known for sometime would eventually fall apart. I have felt that way because, even though I love my mate dearly, are we are similar in lots of ways, we are simultaneously different also. For example, I have learned through the process of having a seven year relationship, that communication is the key to any relationships success. He has not learned in his numerous 6-11 month relationships that holding things in to yourself and shutting down is harmful to a relationship. How do you teach a forty year old person something they dont know they need to learn. I guess you cant. So what do you do?

I really cant have an intellectual conversation with this person, I mean, his idea of an intellectual conversation is comparing the vocal talents of Whitney Houston verses Fantasia..... what the fuck is that shit? Oh he can be very opinionated, as can any human being with a somewhat functional left and right brain. However, if he doesn't comprehend the nature of the conversation, or for whatever reason cant relate to your opinion, then he will just continuously repeat his theory, or ask you the same question over and over again, even after you've answered and explained it three hundred times. So I often times leave a conversation with this person feeling it was a waste of two hours. Two whole hours of going in circles......BLAHHHH!!!

This particular person is unaware with his selfishness. This happens to be something that alot, if not most, human beings suffer from. We all have our selfish moments, dont get me wrong, I have just as many as the next guy. But in a relationship, I work very hard at being the most selfless human being I can be. I think of everything from a "we" perspective. I cant even ask this man for a ride anywhere without it being some big drawn out situation. Whats the point, dont answer my question with a question....thats stupid! We work together, if I ask him if we could make a stop on our way home while riding with him, it's a problem. If I ask for a favor, it's a problem. It's like instead of being a good boyfriend and try to help me with things that he can totally help me with, he chooses to make it more difficult. If I cant lean on you, then who can I. Then he has the nerve to want me to be certain way with him, romance him for example, but you dont romance me. Which would leave me to believe that you dont want to be romanced so why bother. Everyone knows that you get what you give, right??

Now I have sunk to an all time low, and it has forced me to step back and take a deep look at myself, and realize that I am so much better than this. Better to the point that I dont even have to go out of my way to tell him that. I stumbled into overhearing him having a conversation last night with one of his friends, and after hearing something that I probably shouldn't have, I decided to listen a little more. Now, I know that was wrong, but I'm human, we make mistakes. Hell, someone did it to me, thats how I got divorced. So I felt that it was time I seen for my self what this evesdropping thing is all about. Well, probably just as my ex-wife felt overhearing me have a conversation with someone else about our relationship, I first was angered by the fact that I have been asking him what the hell is wrong with him for days now, and I get nothing. This person probably asks one time with out probing at all, and gets an earfull about me!! Then I was disheartened by what was actually said. I of all people definitely know that we all need someone to bounce things off of when your having adverse feelings about something, but I also know that I should give someone the opportunity to assist me in reconciling, or fixing the problems at hand. Thats what relationships are about, you cant fix a problem that involves two people by yourself, thats insane. If two are involved, tow should be involved in the reperations. Now I'm open to the possibility that the problem is all yours, and you need time to sort things out. Thats what I thought in the first place until I overheard him talking about the problem being with me. I was giving him space, and allowing him to sort through things, because I was under the impression that he was just going through some stuff. But low and behold, I[min the equation, and I dont get the benefit of knowing that. Then when I try to talk to him about it, his reaction was, "I dont feel like talking right now, I'll try to give ou some time tomorrow", and "You can talk, but I cant say that I will be apart of it, and if it takes too long I'm going to sleep". Well, you sure do care a whole lot about this relationship, dont you??

Did I mention that he is forty one years old??

So As I sit here and write in frustration, I am letting the world know, that I am at my end, once again, with this farse of a relationship. Dont worry, unlike the recently infamous Bart Ross, I will not be pulling a homicide, or homo-cide/suicide expression of my frustration, just a reassessment of what I should be focusing on, and doing for my well being and sanity. I cant say that I'm closed to the idea of working things out, but at this point, I'm not open for any discussions with him, and as I have previously expressed non-communication is the beggining to the demise of any relationship. So the saga continues... Whats gonna happen between the dynamic duo? Will non-communication seek, kill, and destroy the nature of thier relationship? Will the smarter sexier one of the two get a fucking clue and move on to someone thats worthy of him? Tune in in the near future for more "Love 2 Love me, From DL 2 Free".

I'll keep you posted...

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

Friends...........Where are my friends???????????

How does a 29 year old man go about finding friends?? Dont get me wrong, I have friends, but my friends suck. Each and every last one of them suck. I know your thinking, "thats why your ass doesn't have any friends". Well, maybe your right. But I'm gay, all my gay friends have moved to Atlanta, New York, DC, and one lone bitch in Brazil. And then my straight friends are spread out just as bad, and the ones that live here are just lame. They dont want to go anywhere, it's pulling teeth to get them to do anything. I cant even get them to come by my house. But of course I can go to theres all day long. So, back to my dilema, FRIENDS!!! My guy has tons of friends. He knows every black gay person in the city of Chicago, just about. I know a few, but I'm not close enough to be friends with any of them. And it's hard to try to become close to them. They all have their own little circles, and it's just hard to get into that with an already established circle. So, I did the unthinkable, I placed a personal ad.....dont worry I told my guy, he doesn't care. I had to, I need my own gay network of friends. I mean I'm friends with my guy's friends, and hang out with them, but they're his friends, not to mention older than me. I need people around my age. So, if anyone reads this, and can offer some advice to a lad in search of platonic friendships..........HOLLA!!

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

A Good Man is Hard to Find????

This is for all women who make statements like "good men are hard to find", "all the good ones are taken", "all the good ones are gay". To you I say bullshit! Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit!!! Lets start with the last one.

"All the good ones are Gay"

All the good ones are not gay baby, let me tell you. It's a lot of fucked up gay men in this world. I know that all the fag hags in the world think that their "gay" best friend is the best man they've ever known, and secretly wish he was straight. Why? Because you guys shop together? He asks how your feeling? Gives you good fashion advice, or bad(all gay men dont have good style by the way). Because he crys in movies with you, or because he buys you just what you wanted( he's so thoughtfull!!!!!). Well, let me give you the wakeup call. I was straight before( as straight as I could be anyway), and even though deep inside me was a proud gay man locked in the closet way in the back of the attic, with a pad lock and chains on the hinges, I still found a way to be a typical assholish man. (thanks to Mary J. Blige, all black folks have their own inner exotic ebonics dictionary) I used to feel that somewhere out their was the perfect person for everyone, I believed in soulmates..... NO, not anymore. I believe in soulmates, but I believe that we have many soulmates. Soulmate is not always your sexmate. Sometimes your soulamte is just a really good friend(or fag hag). Sometimes it's a sibling, like twins for example, they have to be some sort of soulmate, they come from the same egg, maybe their soul does too. Sometimes, if uyour lucky in life, you my stumble upon a soulmate or two in you dating timeline. The problem is even a soulmate can piss you off to the point that you never want to see them again, or atleast place a reasonable distance between you two. When I first started this entry, I was extremely pissed with my boyfriend. Since I have come to my new understanding of life, I am no-longer upset with him. I will say that I know he is my of them, as are my best friends, and two of my cousins. But we are still different, and we clash. Bringing it back to my original point, all the good ones are not gay. You have to work on being a good man wether your gay, straight, bi, whatever. And your mate needs to know that your working on that, and that they should be working on themselves as well. Without, then your pretty much fucked up. YOu have to allow people to grow, and figure out where they are, and thats how you know how to deal with them. My boyfriend is a real jerk sometimes, just an out and out asshole, but I accept that, he's human!! Hell, I'm an asshole sometimes, probably all the time to some people, but I'm so much more than that, and so is he. There is a lot more good to him than bad though, and thats my focus. It should be anyones focus when your in-love with the person your with, and you know deep down inside that you have each others best interest at heart. My boyfriend and I have many issues, but I love him, and I know he feels the same. We may have different approaches sometimes, but it's there.

"All the good ones are taken"

Bullshit..... Thou shall not covet!!! I hate when I here people say that all the good ones are taken, no; all the taken ones are taken. Believe me, never look in on someons relationship and compare it to your situation. Things are not always as it seems. I'd like to give a special word of advice to our sista's out there in the strugggle to find Mr. Right. You all should stop looking at black men with white women and being disgusted. You never know what the hell is going on with that man. He might have 8 kids by different women, he may be abusive, he may be dirty, or smelly, or just dumb as hell, or unemplyed, or gay, or non-cultured(meaning: inner suburban white), or anything. So let it go, or atleast take the mindset of, something must be wrong with him, just to control your anger, cause you all need to calm the fuck down. There are some good hetero brothers out there in the world girls, and some gay ones too fellas. But think about this, what image are you projecting, you know in this life you get what you give.

Before I move on with this post, I think I need to explain what "good" means. You see good is no longer the good of yesterday when reffering to men....oh no!! Good today mean he works or actively seeks employment; College eduacated, or realize that he should be; monogomous, or out of town anonymous affair haver(this one is really for the gays); has all their teeth, has only been locked up for excessive traffic violations or atleast a 10yr minimum since last felony, and has no children, or atleast is a real active father in the lives(hopefully life!) of the ones he has.

What "good" does not mean:
rich or even finacnially stable, good credit, bad credit, or no credit, sensitive, reasonable, rational, logical, "christlike". Although these are all good things, they are bonuses. These are things that later down the road of dating you come to discover about a person and reflect on. Some times they come out, some times they dont, but definitely not consistent normally.

Now.... Since it has been broken down, this leaves me with the last phrase of discussion.

"Good men are hard to find"

YES!!!! They are, if they even really exist. I'm a man, am I a good man?? In the eyes of some if not most, YES, hands down. However, there are some people who may view me as not so good, or horrible, maybe even a monster. I highly doubt it, but a possibility none the less. I beleive that there are no good men, just men who want to be good, and men who want to be bad. Obviously you should find a man that wants to be good. With the right support, he may get very close to being that good man, that you want, but we all fall short. For those of who want a bad boy....same rules apply. Trust me, we are all fucked up. Rather your gay, straight, bi, dl, metro, thugged out, gangsta, snobbish, whatever. Ladies, dont leave your selves out either, you all are not all sugar and spice either......but since I've denounced my heterosim, I dont care!!

So I've sort of rambled on here, and I dont know if the orignal point I started this with days ago is the same point that I ended up with today. Lets cross our fingers and hope it worked itself out!!

Much Love...

Thursday, February 24, 2005

I've Made a New Self Discovery

So I haven't been here in a while, mainly because a lot has been going on, and I needed to sort a few things out. After taking a step or two back, and going over things countless times in my head, I have made a new discovery for my life. Let me start by saying that some of these things were professional things, some obviously personal relationship things. So here we go.....

First let me start with the professional things. I'm going to attempt to express these things as anonymously as possible due to the safety of my employment. We have recently discovered that one of our Senoir Staff Directors has been secretly selling crystal-methamphetamine on the side. He was arrested and escorted out of the building in hand cuffs after the narcotics was found in his home. This obviously came as a big shock to everyone as the agency I work for is currently fighting the battle of this before mentioned drug due to it's heavy burden on the gay community, specifically in reference to the transmission of HIV. I on the other hand was only shocked to know that a person with an annual salary of almost $100'000.00 still has the need and obviously the creed to make more money, be or dirty or whatever. Not to mention his dependency on the drug as well. It's really shitty to know that white America targets the war on drug to the minority communities when it's going on in their backyards as well. But of-course, most non-white Americans have known that for decades. And so it goes, it was all over the news, and the media at large because of the quantity found in his home, as well as other narcotics and paraphenila, scales and such. Now the problem of course is not the fact that this man is obviously guilty of a felony, or that he is guilty of supplying the community that he works for with the very same drug we are campaigning against. The problem is (speaking as an angry black man) that as a white man, the agancy will support him and try to avoid the obvious which is that he should be question. As oppose to him being a black man with the same occurence, needless to say, the outcome would have been very different. He would have been terminated as he was walking out the door, no support or anything offered, due to the intent to distribute charge. However, Mr. Meth has recieved support from the agency, because it has been branded as a "problem". No word of his termination yet, which will be ineveitable.

Second situation, this one is quick and mildly entertaining. The other day, my boyfriend and I purchased a pool table. Two guys delivered and set it up. Both guys were white. One of them looked like a "skinhead" in appearnce. Bald shaved head, tattoos, one on his scalp, and did I mention white. But he seemed like a reasonable kool guy, despite his appearance. I normally dont pre-judge people, and I didn't, just observed his appearance and made a mental comparison. Anyway, while the other worker, who appeared to just be a blue collar white guy from a small town, left to go back to the wharehouse for something they forgot, we indulged in a little conversation. Well, like most white people who are unaware of their inbreed racism (note: I'm fully aware of mine, FYI) he begin to discuss something that could potentially turn into something inappropriate. The topic was dancing. He expressed that he didn't know how to dance at all, and that he wished he did, and how girls really like guys in the clubs that dance with them. I agreed with that, and then he began to tell me a bout a friend of his....white, who really, really knew how to dance. The ironic part of this is that the entire time of discussing this, there were some white folks on tv doing the river dance. After telling me how good his friend was at dancing, he says "he dances like a colored boy", and "colored people really know how to dance". My question is did I fall asleep and wake up in the 60's? Talk about a double impact, not only did he use the terms "colored boy" and "colored people", but he used them in reference to dancing. Also using them while talking to a black man, in a black mans house, surrounded by other "colored" peeps in the neighborhood. I was shocked and dismayed by his words, and also humored. It was kind of funny to experience that in 2005, I sort of felt bad for him and other white americans that still refer to blacks in that way. I'm sure white people felt some minor seperation anxiety after we were freed and intergrated. So I understand, hold on to whatever you can of yesteryear. I realized though, that there is probably a large number of white americans that call us colored or negro's in their natural habitat in a serious manner. They are probably residents of bush-supporting rural states, also known as "Bush Country". America...... What a country!!! Fine..

Now, lets talk about me.
I was having a friendly conversation with my man the other night, and I mentioned to him that in th upcoming weeks my funds would be a little tight due to a mishap in payroll that happened some months ago, that now needed to be fixed. I urged him not to let this upset him, and that it would not affect our living expenses, just my personal bills, and expenses. Well, that was like telling him to worry himself to death. After that conversation happened I noticed a change in his behaviour. He started to withdraw from me, conversation was minimal, he seemed agitated, and started making me feel like I was some sort of burden on him. Leaving and going places that normally he would invite me to tag along with, making it very matter of fact that he would not go out of his way for me if it would inconvenience him. And he actually has been doing that last one for a while now, since I totalled my car, and we started riding to work together. Well as a result of all that, I originally said to myself that I was not going to worry about it and let it pass without saying anything. However, I cracked under pressure yesterday at the gym. I simply aske him was everything ok? To which his answer was I guess, I dont know what your talking about......WRONG ANSWER!! The answer should have been, pending nothing was wrong of course, "sure, everything's great, why do you ask?" SO I expressed to him why I asked that quesiton, and he responded with what I already knew pertaining to what we had previously discussed, and went on to mention how he was trying to get a second job to make more money, and how he wantes to go back to school in the near future. He stated that he wondered if I would be able to handle that, and basically that he was doing it no matter what, and that he was pretty much comfortable with that being the situaiton only to get together for sexually gratification when necessary. He also mentioned to me that he was dissapointed with me on a few things, and so on, and so on. Well, I tried to talk to him more to explore what he was saying, and then I realized.......I'm giving and have given way too much of myself to this man, and this relationship. And it's going to stop. Dont get me wrong, I love him greatly, and thats not going to change any time soon, and I know he loves me too. But the sacrifices will have an abrupt stop. I have sacrificed, and sacrificed certain things, and parts of myself for the sake of my relationship. I have put things on hold, and moved things around, and went out of my way, only to be told in the end that he basically will not do the same for me. He has taken a selfish approach to his life, understandably so, but also to the relationship. I understand again, that some habits are hard to break, but sometimes necessary, and if your not going to do it for me, I wont do it for you. So, from now on I will be focsing more on things that I want out of life, things I want to do, my goals and desires, and ambitions. but from a me perspective, not from an us perspective, which is what I had been doing up to this point. See when I decide to be comitted to someone, it's no longer just me, it's us. But for him it's always me first, us later.....if it works out with my plan for me. I feel confident in my decision, and the bad part is knowing that as a result of this change, this may be the beggining of a very long road of us eventually deciding to call it quits. Sort of fading out. I mean, we will both be too busy for a relationship. Sure if we were both fighting for the same thing (our relationship) we could have figured out a way to acheive our goals and desires, and ambitions together, but alas......thats not the case. Just maybe in a perfect worl our relationship will withstand all this selfishness. I'll keep you posted.

So thats it I guess. I'm sure theres more, but thats the good thing about a journal...I can always follow up. and I promise to post more.